It's raining.

They say, when it rains it pours. I'd like to say it's pouring right now. But really? I feel like I'm caught in a freaking monsoon. Problem, it's almost entirely internal battles I'm fighting right now, that originate and then a further compounded by external issues. How do you pinpoint the problem?

It's 1:25 pm as I type this. I've been up for 8 1/2 hours. But it feels like 20. In 48 hours I've had a grand total of 4 1/2 hours of sleep. I thought that I'd solved this problem a week+ ago. However, it doesn't feel so much like fear preventing me from sleep like before, all though maybe some of it is carry over, but it's just more of an inability to sleep. I am not an insomniac, and I certainly am exhausted but I can't get my mind to relax and let go. On the flip side, the nights I have been able to sleep, my dreams are plagued by what in waking hours seems menial concerns, into full scale terror. I would not say they are night terrors. But they are just barely under a full blown nightmare.

I am not depressed. I am not experiencing feelings of low self-esteem, self-confidence, worthlessness etc... I do feel like things will be OK in the long term. I'm not worried about that. But this day to day, night to night, battle of my mental, physical, and emotional turmoil is exhausting.

Yesterday I made a painful move to eliminate one of the heavier sources of my emotional confusion and frustrations. I don't like that I did it, but I do feel that currently I can't handle it so this is my resort. Today I've had to hold to that twice and it is painful, but it's not full of the confusion, frustration, and bitter resentment I was dealing with before. I hope once things are clearing up for me, I can make a healthier attempt at that friendship.

It's been a tough morning. I've been on the verge of tears, not out of grief or depression, just the end of my rope. I happened across an acquaintance and was prompted to talk to him. He gave me some great advice to help manage my academics. I went to speak with an advisor about my Spanish class and we came to a comfortable conclusion. And she in turn referred me to the Student Health Center. I checked it out and I have an appointment with a counselor tomorrow, and he may be able to prescribe something for the sleep and anxiety. It's been hard and exhausting but I feel like hopefully I am using my resources and can start to get on top of this weight.