Burn Them Back

Disclaimer: I choose to share this because I am not ashamed. If you pass judgement on me, you are the one ashamed. To some this may be too much information. To me, I hope it gives someone else courage to change. 

Tonight I did a spurr of the moment, cleansing, self-forgiving action. To some it may be incredibly simple, meaningless, or insulting. To me it was purifying.

A little background.

When I was young, I was an avid reader. 

When I was 12, I was violated by a 17 year old boy. In my bedroom. No I wasn't raped. Yes I was scared.

When I was 12, 13, 14, somewhere in there, I started to visit the library by myself and explored a lot of genres.

When I was 16, while on vacation in California with my entire family; we were staying in our trailer in a campground and I woke up the last night with a stranger lying next to me.

While I was not responsible for the young mens' actions. I was victim to stirred up curiousities, freedom to peruse the library's content, and ashamed to ask questions and get answers in a non-addictive way.

I became addicted to pornographic novels. Not picture novels. The harlequin romance kind. The kind that women fall for. The kind that steal our innoncence, invoke curiosity, alter our view of romance, and are detrimental to our personal relationships with others, and God.

It is not easy to walk away from such things. It is easy to justify it. The more people I heard who also suffered from addictions, the more I thought I'd be okay. I'd repent later. I could be a good person regardless.

What I didn't realize, or maybe I did and didn't want to admit, was that it WAS an addiction. I was ashamed. It was keeping me from having open trusting relationships with my family and others. It was altering my perception of romance. It was leading to other harmful habits and behaviors.

I did NOT want to admit I was too weak to stop alone. I did NOT want anyone to know. I did NOT want to humble myself. I was NOT getting on my knees asking for help from the only one who COULD give me strength AND forgiveness.

Pornography is evil. I was pulled in young. And I was pulled in deep. It hurt me! It prevented my growth! It stopped my spirituallity, and it truly prevented me from being happy.

>It took me a LONG time to realize I was not alone, and I could not change by just holding myself accountable to me. And I was not going to be able to. Ever. I had to find a reason to stop. I had to find someone to change for and someone else to be accountable to. 

Pornagraphy had hurt my self image, my self confidence and my self respect. I didn't love myself enough to make the change for me.

Last summer along with a LOT of other growth spurts, changing opinions, and spiritual 'ah ha' moments. I searched inside myself and found what I needed (or more to the point) WHO I loved enough to, and COULD, change for. 

I love my future family. I love my family now, YES. But I desire more than anything to have a family, to raise my children in truth, righteousness and faith. I have dreamnt since I was a young girl of being pregnant and having babies. I love kids, I LOVE my future kids. I would give and do ANYTHING for them. Once I realized and accepted that, I back tracked... if I love my children so much already, I know that I must be the kind of woman, to attract the righteous priesthood holding man, to marry in the temple and raise the family together.

With that love and knowledge in mind, I stopped cold turkey. I have not approached Pornographic novels, or videos since. But I still have not taken the steps to repentance. Excuses have kept me back, but NO MORE.

>Tonight I was writing in my journal next to a big fire in my new back yard.

Out of nowhere a vision came to my mind. I have had my personal book collection packed away since I first moved away from home in fall 2009. When I moved to Provo this week I took everything with me. As I was sitting by the fire I remembered just a couple of books I still had. Minimal in 'smutty' content, but still detrimental to myself. I collected the 4 books I still found, and I carried them out to the fire.

Almost gleefully I tore them apart and tossed them in. I wanted to laugh. I wanted to spit on them. Instead I absorbed the moment. Those books were the start of years of masochistic behavior.

Those books burned ME.

Tonight, I BURNED them

.

I watched the flames tickle, lick, tease, and then consume them. I watched until the flames died down, and then I poked and stirred them again until they ignited once more. 

They are now ashes. They will blow away, and will never have a place in my life again.

 I encourage anyone who is struggling with anything holding them back from their full potential to rid themselves of the evil restraining them. Repent fully. Forgive completely. And live to be the best version of yourself.

I choose to be the Daughter of God, that will attract the Man of God I that I will marry; That I may raise my Children in God; That we may one day LIVE with God.