Jack Handey

Jack Handey, born 25 February 1949, is one of my favorite these days. He is known has an american humorist, and is most popular for his surrealistic one-liner jokes. Yes I had to look up surrealistic to understand it. :) Mostly, they are pointless and sometimes don't even make me laugh, but for some reason, they are just the thing to make my day. Let me share some with you. :)

'Somebody told me it was frightening how much topsoil we are losing each year, but I told that story around the campfire, and nobody got scared or screamed.'

'How come the dove gets to be the peace symbol? How about a pillow? It has way more feathers than a dove, and you don't have to deal with that dangerous beak.'

'Children need encouragement. So if a kid gets an answer right, tell him it was a lucky guess. That way, he'll develop a good lucky feeling...'

'Instead of a trap door, how about a trap window? The guy looks out it, and if he leans to far, he falls. Wait. I guess that's like a regular window.'

'If you go parachuting, and your parachute doesn't open, and your friends are all watching you fall, I think a funny gag would be to pretend you were swimming.'

'Maybe in order to understand mankind, we have to look at the word itself: "Mankind." Basically, it's made up of two separate words-"mank" and "ind." What do these words mean? It's a mystery, and that's why so is mankind.'

'If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason.'

'If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is "God is crying." And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is "Probably because of something you did."'

'If you ever fall off the Sears Tower, just go real limp, because maybe you'll look like a dummy and people will try to catch you because, hey, free dummy.'

'Anytime I see something screech across a room and latch onto someone's neck, and the guy screams and tries to get it off, I have to laugh, because what is that thing?'

'One thing kids like is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to take my little nephew to Disneyland, but instead I drove him to an old burned-down warehouse. "Oh, no," I said, "Disneyland burned down." He cried and cried, but I think that deep down, he thought it was a pretty good joke. I started to drive over to the real Disneyland, but it was getting pretty late.'


'Of all the imaginary friends I've had, I don't think there was one that I didn't end up having to kill.'


'Contrary to what most people say, the most dangerous animal in the world is not the lion or the tiger or even the elephant. It's a shark riding on an elephant's back, just trampling and eating everything they see.'


'I wish I had a dollar for every time I spent a dollar, because then, yahoo!, I'd have all my money back.'

It goes on and on, and if you made it all the way down here to the end. I commend you, and maybe we should be friends. I guess we're both more twisted than we thought. :)