I wrote a while ago about the choice I made not to take a pell grant or federal aid for my education. I felt an urgency to start school this semester and in order to do so, I got a co-signed bank loan. I opted out of a student loan because under Obama all student loans, no matter if they are through the school or a private bank, are monitored and approved through FAFSA. This is an abomination. That a student can no longer enter into a private contract with a private bank without permission from the government is disgusting.
As a result of my choices my life has certainly not become easier. I now have a $68/month loan payment. I have a $200/month car payment. And other obligations. I am living with my grandparents to be close to school, and I help out my Grandmother in exchange for the room.
Friday, I was on my way to pick up my expectedly small paycheck, my dad called me and let me know that we had gone over minutes on our phone bill and I was mostly responsible. It was an oversight on my part that I'd used them and I blame no one but it was poor timing, and I feeling very down on my luck. As I was driving I had a thought hit me. A bitter little nugget of misery from only the Devil himself. It'd be so much easier right now if I'd just taken the money. I would have $2700 dollars if not more (that is what my brother received and his work position is better than mine) and it would be so much easier.
That was not a good thought. I got to work to pick up my check and I had a little melt down. I was just overwhelmed. Because of this stupid principle that I chose to acknowledge, life is really really hard right now, and simply ignoring the truth and taking the money would make it easier. It was a tough night. I ended up going to talk to a friend and then we watched a couple movies to distract me.
Saturday I did my best to take care of my responsibilities, and I still am not able to make my car payment this month. I spent the evening with some close friends and watched their beautiful children. It was comforting to serve them and absorb the little faces and the innocence.
This morning I woke up, in an exceptionally good mood I might add, and went to church. Normally I take my scriptures, a pen, and my journal. Today I left my journal in my car and just took a little notebook in, in case I wanted to take any quotes. Half way into our meeting I felt that I should get my journal. I didn't particularly think I wanted to write much, but I went out to get it and came back in. I started to right about my situation. It read very similar to the first 5 paragraphs you have read. And then as I wrote, "I know what I know, and I know that God knows what I know, and I cannot deny it." I was not overwhelmed but perhaps overcome with gratitude. It occurred to me how incredibly lucky I am to have this trail and testimony. To experience a conviction of principle so strong that I cannot see a way around it.
I have always had a testimony of sorts. I do believe that if I obey God's commandments I can be blessed. I have never been tried in my resolve.
I am so grateful that I can recognize this situation in a different light. I have a firm conviction of what is right for me to do in the principle that I understand. It is so firm that I cannot bend it for whatever convenience I may perceive. It is such a awe-full feeling. I paid my tithing today. I am very blessed. I am very poor. I know that the fifteen dollars I gave to the Lord would not make or break me anymore than I feel now. But the Lord can give me more than that fifteen dollars could. Easily.
My situation has not become any more comfortable in the last 24 hours. But I am no longer bitter. I am so very grateful that I have a testimony in the firmness of my convictions. A conviction so powerful it cannot be reasoned to be broken. I am grateful for it and I strive to feel it again in other aspects of my testimony.
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