Tough

Last year at this time. I had just returned from CA, I moved into my Grandparents creepy basement. I fell head-over-shoes for a cowboy. I learned to hunt. I worked at Sub Zero on weekends. Found a new friend in Melissa Jones. And worked PumpkinLand. Last year was a great, great fall. It also threw me two curveballs, and my batting skills were not quite up to par to cope. Falling for the before mentioned cowboy had it's residual fall out effect. And I also lost my other baby. Not as in a child, in my womb. No. You all should know me better than that. Last October I said farewell to my girl Molly. My fat-lazy-good-for-nothing-whiny precious cat. I loved that girl.

Molly went missing last September after I turned her out of the house one day. (that's not enough of a guilt trip) Then just a day after I really had accepted that I would not be seeing her again, my sister called to tell me the neighbors found her. I went home to her that night and was thrilled. A couple days passed and I got another call. Nanna was panicking. Molly was seizuring. I took her to the vet. They gave her an IV over night to re hydrate her from the "being lost" trauma. Next day I was in W.Valley taking my hunters safety course. As I was driving home the Vet called to give me the results (or lack thereof) from all the tests they'd done. Molly was essentially a healthy cat. Except that she had a neurological disorder. Not something the common neighborhood vet can fix. And that to find it out and treat her accordingly would involve a SLC vet, MRI's and lots and lots of money I didn't have.

I returned to Orem. Cried a lot. Talked with my sister and that cowboy. I decided that the very best thing I could do for her was to return her to our Father in Heaven and her brother Sam who had passed a few years ago. (That was the first, most traumatic event in my life) Holly drove me to collect her, I held her in my arms a long time. I talked to her. I smelled her special Molly smell some more. And then cowboy drove us out to a lovely field. We ended her life quick and more painless and peaceful then a shot of venom to the heart from the vet. I did the plot up nice and there her body will go the way of the earth until another time. I know that she is in a beautiful, peaceful place with her brother. And a God who loves all creatures great and small.

....Well that's all well and good. I know I did the best for her with what I could. I don't think maybe that was the best decision for me. I've dealt with the guilt and pain of that on and off for a year now. I'm normally all right, and peace and acceptance. I don't plan to love another creature any time soon. It painful and I don't like the fall out. I having trouble sleeping this week and it's just a little tough. I'm okay. It's just tough.