Weight-loss Epiphany

Shampoo Warning: I figured out why I've gained weight. The shampoo I use in the shower that runs down my body says, "for extra volume and body." Going to start using Dawn dish washing soap. It says, "dissolves fat that is otherwise difficult to remove."

Ellie

I'm sitting at my parents house soaking up my sabbath. It's chilly outside. There is snow on the ground. And it's nice and peaceful. As I try to focus on my math homework I am distracted by my sweet baby Ellie.

I got Ellie on February 1st, 2007. 

I'd been trying to heal and move on since Sam -5 months old- died 4 months prior. I'd had another rough night, tossing to and fro dreams that just reinforced my emptiness. I wasn't looking to replace Sam, but I really just needed a new focus. I saw an add for a liter of 5 white kittens at Petsmart online before school, and Mom picked me up to look at them that afternoon. 

There was one kitty left. She was all white and desperate for attention. I started to play with her through the cage, and it wasn't but a few moments before I realized she was deaf. I told mom so, and she didn't believe me. I showed her how her response was only when she could see your movements and that no noises startled her. I knew she was deaf, and I knew she was mine.

Ellie has been such a hoot over the years. She has an amazing depth perception in compensation for her inability to hear. She is the only cat at our house that perceives shadows, and loves to play with the laser light. I can get her to jump a good 6-7' up the wall just trying to catch the light. And she'll run in circles longer than any dog. On one of my birthday's I had a balloon bouquet and she seemed startled by them. Peter had the brilliant idea to chase her with them and she's been paranoid and cautious about things above her head since. 

Ellie often wakes up from a nap with a loud 'mreow' and won't calm until she sees she is not alone. In my moving on and out and upward with my life, my Mommy has taken such wonderful care of her. She has a nice warm spot in the garage, and most nights my sister let's her sleep in her room.

Odds are, I won't be able to live with my baby for a long time. It creates quite a strain in my relationship with my Dad, cause he sure doesn't love her as much as Mom, Savannah or me. This is hard, and I choose to deal with the reality only every now and again cause as yet I don't know what to do.

I love Ellie, she is such an odd ball and such a joy. Through all her quirks I'm sure I am a little better prepared to have my real babies, and deal with all the joy and stress and triumphs and pitfalls of real motherhood. Some will say she's just a cat, other's say she's just a pet. To me Ellie is one of my best friends, my baby, and a loyal confidant. I love her so much, and right now I am just grateful she remembers me and will sit in my lap as long as I ask.

 Ellie has made more than a couple trips with me to work at Grandpa's Garden Center. She has her harness and collar on, and she just hangs out with me. Our other favorite place is the duck pond.

Ellie has always loved sleeping in 'nest' like areas. She likes the clothes baskets. The fake trees. The sink even. It was a lot more difficult to find her when she was a smaller and sleeping sound. Most days we'd just have to wait for her to come out of a hole somewhere. :)

I'm curious. Why is it so much harder to accept something difficult when you realize it's an internal struggle? With this whole sleep issue for example; it'd be really nice to just get a prescription or by some muscle relaxants or run 5 miles and take a hot shower and then go to bed and sleep sound. I've been looking for any and every option to externally deal with this. When perhaps it's internal. I have fears and sources of insecurities that I thought I'd moved on from long ago. It's really difficult for me to recognize that it may all be built up and compounded and finally manifesting. I could take something to knock me out and get some sleep. But that only means I'm acknowledging a fear and just treating the symptom not curing the problem. It's scary and it's hard. I keep remembering a scripture, 'I will go before your face, I will be on your right hand and on your left, mine angels will surround you and will bare you up.' Something like that. I just think of that keep going. One day at a time, one night at a time.

It's raining.

They say, when it rains it pours. I'd like to say it's pouring right now. But really? I feel like I'm caught in a freaking monsoon. Problem, it's almost entirely internal battles I'm fighting right now, that originate and then a further compounded by external issues. How do you pinpoint the problem?

It's 1:25 pm as I type this. I've been up for 8 1/2 hours. But it feels like 20. In 48 hours I've had a grand total of 4 1/2 hours of sleep. I thought that I'd solved this problem a week+ ago. However, it doesn't feel so much like fear preventing me from sleep like before, all though maybe some of it is carry over, but it's just more of an inability to sleep. I am not an insomniac, and I certainly am exhausted but I can't get my mind to relax and let go. On the flip side, the nights I have been able to sleep, my dreams are plagued by what in waking hours seems menial concerns, into full scale terror. I would not say they are night terrors. But they are just barely under a full blown nightmare.

I am not depressed. I am not experiencing feelings of low self-esteem, self-confidence, worthlessness etc... I do feel like things will be OK in the long term. I'm not worried about that. But this day to day, night to night, battle of my mental, physical, and emotional turmoil is exhausting.

Yesterday I made a painful move to eliminate one of the heavier sources of my emotional confusion and frustrations. I don't like that I did it, but I do feel that currently I can't handle it so this is my resort. Today I've had to hold to that twice and it is painful, but it's not full of the confusion, frustration, and bitter resentment I was dealing with before. I hope once things are clearing up for me, I can make a healthier attempt at that friendship.

It's been a tough morning. I've been on the verge of tears, not out of grief or depression, just the end of my rope. I happened across an acquaintance and was prompted to talk to him. He gave me some great advice to help manage my academics. I went to speak with an advisor about my Spanish class and we came to a comfortable conclusion. And she in turn referred me to the Student Health Center. I checked it out and I have an appointment with a counselor tomorrow, and he may be able to prescribe something for the sleep and anxiety. It's been hard and exhausting but I feel like hopefully I am using my resources and can start to get on top of this weight.

I just finished writing an autobiographical essay for my English class. Subject being a life changing moment we've had. For the record I begrudge and will forever hold this assignment against the UVU English Department. They do not deserve to know this. For making me choose between faking emotion with a menial moment and over dramatizing it to fit their criteria or being honest with myself about that 'life changing' moment and telling a story they will never earn the right to know. I resent this. I wrote the paper. It may not match all of the criteria. It may not fit the way they want to read it. But I can not tell that story any other way. This moment in my life deserves nothing less then my best effort and honesty. I do not forgive you, UVU, for making me choose to sacrifice a letter grade to be honest with myself.

Someday I may post the essay on here. Probably not for a long time. In the meanwhile, I vow to do my best to be honest. Nothing barred that deserves your reading efforts and that I am comfortable divulging to my unknown readers. Have faith in me. It's a bumpy road we're all on. And my potholes are abnormally wide and deep these days.

Jesus Take the Wheel

Carrie Underwoods' song Jesus Take the Wheel has been my mantra lately. I feel like I have no control, and all I can do is pray. I know that things are getting and will be better. I know that I just have to take one day at a time. Some days, it's one hour at a time. I can't hardly explain everything that's happening. I hardly know. I'm trying to figure out what in my universe shifted and threw everything at me as a result. Did I do something right? Did I do something wrong? What was it? When was it? How can I go back?

I really don't know the answer. But I need to take control of something. I need to eliminate or fix something and try to feel just a little less tossed and buffeted. I think I know what one of those things may be. I just have to wonder, why does it have to be the one that will hurt the most?

Apologies!

I'm finding I have a few faithful followers, and I am 2 days behind. I sincerely apologize, I had a long day Saturday between a hefty pile of homework and work work, getting home late after 12:30 am. Sunday I slept off that work day and then went to visit my family. I intended to write while I was with them, but my fabulous Dad cleaned and rebooted my whole hard-drive and system while saving all my documents etc... Thanks Pappy!

So those are my lame excuses for my lack of posting for 2 days, and I will post again later today and it will be of substance I assure you. :D

Second Chances

Tonight I just want to write a quick blip about second chances. I am so grateful that the Lord knows who we need in our life and when we need them.

I remember in Jr. High when Melissa Jones was the new girl in my geography class. I don't think I ever spoke a word to her. She already had friends, and we were in two completely different crowds. I've known of her for at least 5 years, but I've just recently had the chance to get to know her. :)

I posted on Facebook in september that we had a job opening at Sub Zero (the ice cream store I work at). She was the only person who actually messaged me a response, and she got quick interview and the job.

I love Melissa!! We get along so easy and we always have a great time. Work is hardly work when we are together, it is just fun. Melissa is one of the sweetest, kindest, friendliest, shortest girls I know. She has been a loyal confidant and a wonderful listener when I just need vent.

I worked with my little white mexican friend tonight. (Melissa) :) And it was the best. We fumbled, sassed, and giggled our way through the night. And for the first time in a couple of weeks I was able to let go and forget all my stresses for a few hours. I am so very grateful that I got a second chance to get to know Melissa, and that she is such a great person! I love her!!

Show Me the Plane!

So here's the deal. September 11, 2001 was a tragic day. Lots of lives were lost. And our nation was thrust into panic mode, allowing legislation to pass that was before considered extreme and unnecessary. I do believe that an airplane crashed into World Trade Center 1, and another airplane flew into World Trade Center 2. I do not believe that an airplane crashed into the Pentagon. I do not believe that an airplane crashed into a field in Shanksville Pennsylvania. I can not prove these to you. But neither can the government. They have fed reports to the media that have swayed public emotion and logical thinking. And the public has swallowed all the facts. Or the lack there of. I do not believe that Osama Bin Laden is responsible for the attacks. Though I can not definitively say who I think did it. Regardless of who is responsible for the attacks, our government is hiding their so called evidence that would prove everything they have stated.

I just finished reading a book, Phantom Flight 93 written by Victor Thorn and Lisa Guliani. I have also watched a few of the documentaries floating around including Loose Change by Dylan Avery. Phantom Flight 93 was an quick read that presented all the facts, or lack there of, in an easy to ingest way. Loose Change deals with a lot of history leading up to and pointing fingers to shift the blame. I appreciated Phantom Flight 93, it was clearly written without pushing you to a conclusion, but to guide you to the questions that should and are being asked, and agressively avoided by anyone who may have the answers.

I've been asking around to get an idea of what people remember and believe from that horrible day. The answers are all similiar, 'I was in school, we watched the airplanes crash into the towers, we watched the towers come down. I think there was a plane that hit the Pentagon, and wasn't there one that crashed in Phillidalphia?' I don't expect anyone to have invested time like myself, but to just accept what was thrown from the media that day, and never spend a moments thought on the things that don't add up is sloathful and ignorant.

I can't tell you what to believe. I can't say that I know the answers. . I can tell you don't believe the government reports.I can tell you that you haven't been told the truth. None of us have. The question is why? If the government has the evidence they say they have, what reason in the world would keep them from proving it? They look suspicious, and it reflects poorly when there are theories like this out there. They say they have the wreckage, debris, etc from Pentagon and Pennsylvania that would prove their story. Why can't they just show us?

I don't mean to detract from the victims that day. I do believe there were many acts of heroism. And they should be honored. I do mean to hopefully sway you to ask some of your own questions. And take it as a warning that if they can sway the major populous of this great nation through the media so easily in such a tragic terrible day, how easy is it for them to delude us with any other story?

Joking right?

Maybe I'm overly cynical, but there seems to be a lot of little things today that are just pissing me off! I went to take my geography test after school today. We were given a week to take it, as I missed school all last week, I prepared to take it today. I go to the testing center, it's the first test I'm taking there for a class. And when I go to check in, they inform me that it will cost $3 to take the test. Seriously?! Maybe if I were taking the test after the dates we were given this would make sense. But no. It seems if you take it within the last 3 given days, you have to pay $3 to take the assigned test. #?! I don't have $3. I had to borrow from a friend to take the test. I was upset.
The test, consisted of all the European countries, their capitols and major landmarks. And then 20 questions on Europe. 160 questions in all. It was so poorly written. I am so irritated at the teacher. On a crowded, poorly defined map she had 150 numbers and we had to go by tens matching countries, and then capitols. On the capitols map, it was the exact one used for the countries but she had written in a 1 infront of each number putting it in the hundreds. I could barely find the numbers, and it was a guess as to what they were actually assigned to.
I came home and ate some food and then took a nap, or three. I can't seem to focus my thoughts to be productive. I just popped upstairs to get some fruit. The only thing we have that isn't soft, squishy and probably 'expired' is banana's, and I'm so bananed out I feel like a monkey!
I got a piece of mail today. 'to Abby Taylor or the parents of' It seems it's time to apply for federal money for the 2011-2012 school year. Aren't we like 14 trillion dollars in debt?! Where are they getting money to give to students? I'll tell you. They are stealing it in the form of taxes and 'redistributing' the wealth to a much smaller body of individuals. Putting them in debt and under control of those 'funding' their education. No thanks I don't want to stolen realocated goods.
It's a day like this when you just want to sit with your best friend, don't need to talk about it, and just not be alone. My best friend is in Las Vegas wishing I was there. I'm here wishing she was here. My closest friend here, is also the boy I like. And he is so stubborn about drawing a line that I already know is there, that he won't be there for me because it might 'give me the wrong impression'. #?! I just need a friend. Instead I go to my basement after short conversations with my lovely (sincerely said) Grandparents and whine to the internet void.
I am so looking forward to May. Portland Oregon. Best friend for my roommate again. And control over my income. Which will be greatly increased. Please please May, come faster!!!!

Drowning...

Ok. I'll submit that I'm not drowning, yet. I'm treading, and I'm getting tired of treading, but my head is still above water. Figuratively of course. I'm poor. I have $2.10 to my name. I just made my payment on the loan I got for school. And I've been granted an extension on my car payments. I am -$63 something in the bank because the two bills I though went through mid Jan, didn't actually until the end of January. I thought I had $34 in the bank (that I just deposited Saturday) for gas this week. False. I am grateful for the standards that I was raised with, because if I didn't certain health habits ingrained in me, I'd probably be drinking alcohol or something to help ease the stress.

And for all that, I am grateful. I have a roof over my head. Food in the fridge, albeit expired tortillas and cheese for every meal. And the end is in sight. Work hours are coming with the warmer weather, and in May I leave for Portland Oregon to sell pest control again. It's a day to day effort to keep my chin up and even more so to keep smiling. But I can see the end, and I am grateful to hit so low now while I am young and only responsible for myself. I pray that it will never be this dire again. And I will do everything possible to make sure it doesn't!!

Happy Valentines Day!!

Yes! Valentines day is over run and ruled by the greeting card companies, the rose growers, and the chocolateers. Yes! Your beau, your sweetheart, your better half, should know better than to need a 'national' holiday to treat you special and spend quality time.

Nope. I've yet to be anyone's Valentine. Except my Mommy. I'm 19 years old, I don't live at home, and she still made me a valentine and got me goodies.

But here's the thing. I love Valentines day! I think it's gushy and romantic and so much fun to see roses and teddy bears everywhere.

I did get a Rose from Jesus today. Orem Institute of Religion was greeting ladies in all the school buildings and reminding us, 'remember you are loved.' That made me happy. :) And it smells good.

So there are lot's of reasons to love and hate Valentines day, but I for one like it! And now I get to go make sugar cookies. Yummy! Glad I'm better!

Eat Ice Cream, Save a Baby

My very dear friends Royal and Jenn Petersen rushed their 7 week old son, Ezekiel John Petersen, to Primary Children's Hospital in Salt Lake City. He has been diagnosed with RSV and 2 coarctations of the aorta. He is a sick little baby. :(  For the full detail of his condition and to make donations please visit his Pledge site. http://pledgie.com/campaigns/14534 

I love this family. With my whole heart. In wracking my brain for ways to help, we've tapped the power of mass social networking. I have opened an event on Facebook, Eat Ice Cream, Save a Baby. I met Royal Petersen when he hired me to work at his store. Sub Zero Ice Cream at the Provo Town Center Mall. He has been my boss, my mentor, my friend, and is like a big brother. I've been privileged to develop a friendship with Jenn, and she is not just a friend but a role model. These are wonderful people. 

I understand times are tough and I don't ask you to donate to strangers just cause I think they deserve your help. So eat some ice cream. You still get the benefit but it helps to support the Petersen's in this tough time.

Monday nights will be dedicated to Zeke from here on out. Bring your family, bring friends, bring ward groups. If you aren't in the area, spread the word. 

I am already amazed at what people are willing to do for a stranger and it's a blessing to see charity around us at this time. I hope to see you all there! :D